Week 52: I Did It! A Recipe for Reflection
In the summer of 1994, at the age of 62, my mother, Suzanne Devine McKendall, died. According to her death certificate, the cause of death was respiratory failure due to morbid obesity.
I’m not aware of the specific circumstances surrounding her death, but I do know that she was living in a small, subsidized apartment in Manchester, New Hampshire. The only company she received in the last season of her life was her home health aide and the adult literacy students, whom she was teaching up until the time of her death.
I know that my mother died without her four living daughters by her side and without the reminders of the positive impact that she’d made on our lives; I’ve held remorse for that fact for 23 years.
In the past 52 weeks, I have experienced “accidental transformation” in ways that I could never have anticipated. It seems to me that you simply cannot make a commitment to do something every week for one year and have it not transform you in some way. The commitment, hours of hard work, reflection, learning, and the connection it made me feel to my mother (and subsequently myself) has been life changing.
I’ve learned the obvious kitchen lessons that I experienced through trial and error.
I’ve found favorite nutrition and health blogs.
I’ve created a whole new list of “go to” healthy ingredients to add to clean cooking.
I’ve (certainly) learned that I need new knives and cookware 😉
I’ve learned more about my mother, with the help of my sisters and the notes on the recipes (so much so that I began to notice subtle changes in her handwriting).
More than anything, I learned more about myself and my relationship to—and with—my mother.
In reflecting on some of my favorite recipe experiences over the year, I realized how much I’m like my mom. The recipes that I cooked with my kids—like the first corn muffin recipe I prepared with Alex and Jenny, or the tamale pie that I made with Kara and her partner Lou just days before she was about to deliver their baby—were the big memory makers. I loved being in the kitchen with them, just as my mom enjoyed being in the kitchen with me. Recipes where I connected to my mother’s core, such as the St. Patrick’s Day Feast or the Maine Chocolate Pudding, were almost eerie … because I really felt like she was in the kitchen with me. I even had experiences where I was looking for a particular recipe and couldn’t find it, only to then have it show up in the wrong place… that’s just freaky!
There were plenty of recipes I ate alone, but I absolutely preferred the times when I could share them with friends and family. Rick’s enjoyment of a cod chowder and Irish soda bread; the enthusiasm from my friends Gillian, Lex, Laurie, and Blaire; and the delight that my nephews and niece displayed knowing that they were part of the process, when I gave them sprinkle covered ice cream all touched me.
I learned that, like my mother, I definitely express my love for others through food, hospitality, small thoughtful gestures, and celebrating special days.
This past year has had so many ups and downs for me—culturally with politics, loss, tragedy, and some big wins; and personally with my struggles professionally, experiencing the birth of my grandson, climbing mountains (literally), separating from my husband whom I’ve been with for 32 years, and dealing with a lot of grief around my role in the family.
But, accidental transformation occurred. How could it not?
I began a meditation practice.
I learned to connect to my breath.
I allowed myself true joy and deep sorrow.
I screwed up a lot. I learned to forgive myself a lot.
I learned more about friendship and relationships.
I learned to ask for help.
I learned when to be kind to myself.
Most importantly, connecting with my mother over the past 52 weeks has unexpectedly given me the gift of closure. I spent a year re-experiencing my relationship with my mother, seeking her forgiveness, and truly knowing that it’s okay to forgive myself for not being there by her side 23 years ago.
This week, there is no recipe, because I simply couldn’t select a recipe that would carry the depth of what it means to close this 52-week project.
Instead, I created a closing ceremony…
The ingredients of which were reflection, tears, music, honoring, soul-searching, and gratitude.
I made a collage with a photo of my mother, gathered items of special meaning, and the last Christmas gift (a unicorn stamp) that she gave me as a kid.
I lit a candle, listened to her favorite music, went through and reflected on the recipe cards, focused on her handwriting in her notes to me and the kids, held her knitting, lit a “wish paper” and cried.
Thank you Mom,
I love you.
Amazing
Kit… what an emotional and beautiful way to honor your mother and to express your regrets and grief, your creativity and penchant for healthy eating. Thank you for allowing all of us to follow along on your journey both from the perspective of exploring healthy eating options and understanding your motivations. I hope rather than feeling depleted from this very difficult project, you’ve recognized resilience, your capacity for forgiveness and your ability to adapt just like your mother’s recipes did! Wishing you the best in the year ahead. xoJanet
Thank you for a year of support!
Stunning, powerful and…. complete. Hearty congrats for an undertaking beautifully done!
Thank you so very much for the support from idea conception to completion!
What Janet said. Nice summary, Janet.
This was a beautiful ending, Kit. I wondered what recipe you could possibly have ended with. Your selection was perfect. 🙂
As your oldest Sister, it’s been interesting, and sometimes painful, to hear your perspective of our shared Mother. As each of us left home to pursue our own lives, the mother we left behind became a slightly different person for the Sisters we left behind. As the weeks progressed, I kept being surprised by the “mother” you experienced. You dealt with the craziest version of Mom than the rest of us had to live with but she also let out the most creativity with you. What a light in an otherwise darkening world of hers. Your commitment to this 52 week project, as well as to working things out with Mom, has been amazing. Thank you for the ride, and sometimes the memories, as you attacked each recipe.
Love you !!
BTW, she did have other visitors. The Terry’s and some of her old Elmhurst friends would make the “long trek” up to New Hampshire to see her. I believe the Terry’s would pick her up and bring her home for some holidays, as well.
My dear sister…thank you for the courage it took to support me through this project. Yoru insight had been invaluable. I agree that we all seemed to have experienced a different mother. I definitely got a creative and affectionate version of mom albeit one with a lot of complicated issues. I love you so very much! PS thank you for letting me know she had visitors…it makes me feel better. xoxo
Such a nice tribute!
For your hard work and heartfelt memories shared … a mom would be proud! Congratulations on work well done!
Thank you Robin…I truly appreciate your support along the way xoxo
Hey there Kit – Laurie, Stephanie and I are cooking up a Blue Apron storm at the barn right now and I read your beautiful post aloud while we were busy stirring things up over the stove – a lovely weepy moment! Many congratulations on a great accomplishment my friend – truly inspirational! PS would love to know what your mom’s favorite music was xxx happy New Year!
So touched that you experienced it together xoxox She loved The Mamas and the Papas and Glen Campbell <3
Ok so this made me cry… and made me wonder if I also need to re-experience my relationship with my mother. I can’t do it in the way you did but you have inspired me to think this through and seek my own forgiveness… thanks for sharing!
P.s. this whole project you did is proof that you can do anything if your heart is in it
Thank you for your openness my dear friend! Let’s talk…I have an idea brewing that will allow space for your process xoxo
Heart hug sent to you… beautiful ending….thank you…
xoxo thank you for following my journey..heart hug back!
Congratulations, Kit, on 52 weeks of discovery! You indeed “did it”. Big hugs!