Week 49: Holiday Hearth and Home Bread

When did December become a month that I dreaded?

For most of my adult life, the month of December (albeit stressful) was filled with joy, sparkle, music, magic, generosity, decorations, surprises, big hearts, friends, and family. In fact, most years my home looked as though it had been pulled off the set of Radio City Music Hall’s Christmas Spectacular!  So much so that one of my close friends once said, upon entering my house on Christmas morning, “It looks like Christmas exploded in your house!”

For many years the Bennett family Christmas was awesome, and we created incredible memories. But, as it often does, life changed. Kids grew up and moved out; we moved; kids struggled, traveled, or stayed with partners. We had financial and physical challenges. Family members passed away. While we continued to have some years with a full house and a display of Christmas bells and whistles, we’ve had a fair share of quiet holidays. This transition has taken a toll on me; I am now one of those people that deal with depression in December. 

I never thought that would happen.

It’s one of those moments that I discussed a few weeks back where I’m struggling in the AND space. I am so incredibly excited to be a new grandmother of an adorable yummy Christmas elf AND I am dealing with grief, loss, and anxiety.

This morning, as I was trying (emphasis on trying) to get grounded and meditate, I had the realization that Christmases of my youth were filled with “AND”.

  My parents were divorced when I was a baby, which meant that the location of my Christmas celebration changed year to year. It was complicated by the fact that during most of my life, my dad lived on the other side of the country. So, every other year I was excited to get on a plane AND emotional as I saw the tears in my mom’s eyes at the airport. I anticipated
 spending Christmas with my dad, sisters, and stepmother AND I was guilt-ridden to leave my mom alone.
I was also just a kid, and would quickly dive into full Christmas vacation mode without a thought or care about what was happening with my mom at home. Ouch!

Just as I expected, the ghost of Christmas past has made himself pretty comfortable in my undecorated living room during this first week of December.  Maybe it’s the 52 Saturdays experience or maybe it’s due to life events, but I am finding myself thinking about my mom and how she must’ve felt all those years. Like me, my mother didn’t hide her emotions very well. Those first three weeks as my sisters and I prepared to go to California, my mother would argue more with us.  She slept more and more, and struggled with depression. My memories are foggy, but I think there were years we would celebrate Christmas before we went to my dad’s house, and we’d decorate a tree, etc., and then there were times when we would do something upon our return from California.
What I do remember clearly, is the juxtaposition of the years we spent at home. Those were the years with the candle making, the baking, the big Christmas tree, and a happy mom.

So, this year I’m going to have to figure out a way to “BE with” the AND of my circumstances. I’m going to use what I learned as a child and use what I learned from my mom to appreciate those holidays that were filled with joy, while being kind to myself—after all, it’s only one month.

Self-kindness this week came in the form of a simpler recipe revamp.

Original Recipe

The Process

Between the home maintenance, wood stacking, gift making, client deadlines, crazy dog taming, and tackling some depression, I didn’t have the time or the budget (health food is spendy) this week to make a lot of changes.

For the most part, I followed the recipe except I replaced 3/4 of a cup of white flour with sprouted wheat flour.
I replaced the white sugar with coconut palm sugar.

 Inspired by a conversation I had with an Irish friend about Plum Pudding, I added a teaspoon of rum extract…next time I’ll add more.
 As you can see in the ingredients photo, I originally was going to replace the milk with almond milk, but then I realized that the lemon juice and milk combined would create sour milk, which is important in this recipe. I haven’t quite figured out how to replace that aspect when baking vegan.

The Results


At first, I didn’t think this was going to work. My butter and coconut palm sugar never got to a point of being light and fluffy and when I added the eggs it was even worse.

This left me wondering if there was something wrong with the eggs; but, I continued to follow the recipe steps.

All turned out perfectly in the end. This bread is not overly sweet, such as a banana bread or pumpkin bread, and it definitely has that holiday fruit cake-flavor without being a gross fruitcake. I thought there would be too much apple but the fact that the apples were peeled and grated meant that they blended in well.

I will certainly make more of these little loaves of bread for gifts, and deliver them wrapped in parchment paper with baker’s twine. I might even wrap a loaf or two in the new beeswax re-usable wraps I’ve been making.

I’m not providing a rewritten recipe as the substitutions were pretty simple.

Follow the original recipe above except…

• Replace 3/4 of a cup white flour with 3/4 of cup sprouted wheat flour.
• Replace 2/3 of a cup of granulated sugar with 2/3 of a cup of coconut palm sugar.
• 
Add 1 to 2 teaspoons of rum extract, or even real rum.

Post Publish Note:
Since writing this post I learned that one of my mother’s dear friends passed away. This was a family that took loving care of Mom for many years and ensure she wasn’t alone during the holidays. They loved and accepted her exactly as she was, shared her intellect, humor and passion and they walked the walk of a spiritual life.
Jan, thank you for your love and kindness. I am so sorry for your loss, David will be missed.

Week 49 Recipe Pick

I will likely make the real deal recipe in addition to a revamp…
HEY, Gingerbread is gingerbread and it’s Christmas!

Tags: Christmas, from scratch, from the heart, gifts